Walls

Over the years I have found that the things that I have experienced in life has caused me to build many walls. Many say that others actions don't effect anyone but themselves but I do not believe this. Our actions always effect those around us.

I was born into a large family. I am the youngest of eight children and I was not planned. When I was only one year old one of my brothers was killed by two drunk drivers that were following each other in separate cars. The first car hit the pickup that my brother was a passenger, the pickup was spun around and was cross ways in the road. My brothers friend who was driving had hurt his knee and my brother got out to go around the pickup to check on his friend, that is when the second car came around the bend and slammed into the pickup throwing my brother a distance. This driver continued his motion and ran over my brothers body. The accident report says that there were tire tracks across my brothers chest. This incident has effected my family for generations.

I was just a baby when my brother died, but I can only imagine my mothers pain. My brother died on one of my sisters birthday and my mother was never able to have a party for her after that day. The actions of two men following each other after a night of having a good time changed the life of a family forever, as I am sure it also effected them as well although I do not know their story.

Now I do not know for sure but I do believe this was the point in my life that I began to feel separate from my siblings. The only pictures I have seen where any of my siblings played with me as a child where of my deceased brother and my next older sister, other then that all the pictures depict me on the outside watching them play. I do remember asking to be included and always being told no. The interesting thing is that I am still treated that way by them to this day.

I feel I must share what I experienced when my mother died. My mother and I were very close, she was my best friend. we spent a lot of time together and could talk for hours on the phone. We became close after the death of my father when I was 16. Her death was extremely hard to bare. She new of many things that had happened to me that I asked her to keep just between us because my siblings have always been critical of my life and she was constantly telling them to leave me alone and "to knock it off". After her death my oldest sister wouldn't let me be a part of anything. At my moms funeral her daughter took some photos and memory books that I had brought to display and wouldn't let me have them, I actually had to physically pull them away from her. I wasn't treated like I was even my mothers daughter. They divided all the flowers and plants amongst themselves and I was not included. I left very distraught. Later I was attacked on Facebook and told that my mother was no longer hear to tell them "to knock it off" so they were going to tell me exactly what they wanted now that my mother was gone. Their abuse was so bad and so hurtful I had no choice but to block their hurtful, vengeful, and vulgar remarks and comments from my Facebook page, later I cut them from my life altogether. Now some of the things I asked my mother not to say concerned some of the actions of my older sisters children and I told my mother I did not want to make a big deal of it, I just did not want them to hurt my children again. So while my mother was alive she made sure that that person was never able to hurt my children again. She also new of certain circumstances that my siblings did not and I was judged severely by my siblings but I did not feel they needed to know, and even though they continue to act the way they do I still do not believe they need to know. For one I am not convinced they would even care. These people that are my siblings are not people that have ever been there for me, ever showed me they cared, or ever even been interested in me. I made an effort for many years to endure their hurtful actions because family has always been important to me, but after my mom died I built the biggest wall I have ever built around my heart and my life. I am guilty of not letting people in. I am very independent. I care deeply and have been hurt deeply. And no matter what anyone says life changes you.

I now have six wonderful children, who have all been honor students. None of them drink or have done drugs. They all have goals in their lives and they strive to do their best. They are all happy and well adjusted. I have talked to them about how I was treated by my siblings and I hope they never are so blinded by jealousy or anger that they would stoop to hurt one another as I was by my siblings.

I built walls, lots of them. Those walls are there to protect because of the pain and suffering inflicted by those who said they loved me.

Our actions effect others, I wish I wasn't guilty myself of not always being kind, but let us all pray that we strive everyday to be better then we were the day before. Try not to hurt or cause pain, but to lift and support others on their own personel journeys.