Life Shapes You........

Growing up no one thought I would ever have any kids. Why, because I didn't want to have anything to do with them. I think I babysat one time, after that I always said no. I chose to babysit animals, mostly horses for our next door neighbor. Growing up I was totally a horse person. I loved the quiet time to think and talk to the horses. I spent hours and hours by myself. I was the youngest of eight children but being that my closest sibling was 5 years older then I, it felt more like growing up an only child.

Over the years I have thought about how I felt about how I grew up, there are some things that shaped me that I believe altered my divine path. I think the number one thing, was that being so much younger then the rest of my siblings, I was always left out. I was always told I was to young to play games with them, to young to go on outings, and so I was hardly ever included...at least not enough for me to form any lasting memories of togetherness with my siblings. I am the closest to my sister who is next older then myself. So as an adult I find that we just don't know each other, I led a completely separate life from them.

When I was 16 I lost my Dad to cancer. That was one of the hardest times of my life. I have found that I experience the world emotionally before anything else. And watching cancer take my Dad over the space of a year was extremely hard. When my Father died I was home alone. My Mom wouldn't let me go to the hospital, so I was left to internalize that event on my own.

Later in High School, we as a student body lost several classmates. A couple of those losses were very close to me. One was an old boyfriend in whom I was very close, he had actually asked me to marry him...but being logical I told him I was still in school and there was no way that was happening. The other was my cousin who died in a car accident on the way to our graduation. We had to drive by the accident and I saw him in his car. Yes, I lost it. I was actually a pretty big mess that time as we were very close and spent a lot of time together. While in High School I also lost a brother, and since we couldn't afford 2 plane tickets only my mom was able to fly to Alaska for his funeral. I again was left home alone to deal with this loss on my own, my siblings who were all now married didn't even call to check in on me. It was really hard on me, however I learned to be independent from all these experiences and also that your never really alone when you have the Lord in your life.

 Although I never really felt close to my siblings family has always been important to me. I did rely on my Mom a lot to bridge the gap with my family. It has been difficult since she died in 2010 to deal with some of my siblings....but that is another story.

Through my experiences I became an observer,  someone who feels things deeply, I am very analytical, and very passionate about things. When I make commitments I take them very seriously, and I have a hard time letting go of things that mean a lot to me.