Expectations


Patience has never been one of my strong points. In life I have made many mistakes because I was not patient, and yet I still don't think I have learned patience. To wait is almost terrifying. Its the not knowing, being unsure of things that effect me the most I think. It is my nature to like to feel safe, secure, reassured, to have a knowledge that the things I want most in life will someday be. Being told to have patience and to wait on the Lords timing is extremely trying.
To many times I have let life effect me and I have found myself reprimanding myself, actually arguing with my inner self saying 'Your in idiot, why do you do this to yourself'. Each time telling myself to knock it off, but you know what? It's really hard. I see in my mind my resolve to put myself back where I would like to be but life makes that difficult, It is difficult not having outside support and only relying on yourself to lift yourself up. It sometimes seems like a vicious circle.
I do have strong faith in God however and I do believe it is my own fear and lack of confidence that holds me back in life. There are a few things that I find great joy in but I must say they are all outside myself. My greatest joy of coarse are my children, raising them has been my one and only greatest joy. And now that they need me less and less I am forced to look once again at myself. Something that brings me sadness, disappointment, and even fear. Facing a future by myself is not something I ever wanted for myself but now has become a reality. Now the world would tell me that this has become the norm that I am better off this way, but I don't believe that. I do believe however that I am better off not lowering my expectations and beliefs just to be with someone. Thus I have made some goals for myself, to work on the things that bother me the most about myself. To exercise a bit of that patience that the Lord has been trying to teach me my entire life. To learn to love myself again, and to get to the point that it actually shows on the outside that I love myself again. So apologize to yourself, let go of the hurt, pain, and disappointment, and start taking care of the things you've neglected to nourish with yourself.

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